I forgot to thank you

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I told you, you betrayed me,
But I forgot to thank you.
I thought I loved you, treated you right,
Played by your rules -
Only for you to squeeze my heart until it burst.

I thought I was full of life, open, and courageous,
And that you, in your bilious stupor,
Would repay me only with hate.

But though I suffered with you,
I suffered before you,
And I would suffer after you.

In my love, was fear of being alone.
I treated you right to control you.
I followed your rules, because I would rather have you than myself.
Full of life, open, and courageous, was just
Grasping for any base pleasure
That would anesthetize my pains and fears.

And really, I just couldn't face
The thousand deaths and disillusions
Which draw the boundary 'round my mortal self.

So I turned you into my destroyer,
And prayed to you, that through your betrayal
I might die to my pitiful world,
Because I exist in the realm beyond death
As a radiant light, much more subtle than my mundane self.

The will in me to transcend
Manifested myself in you as the betrayer;
And you obliged me, aware or not.

And having died a death,
Having learned I am both dead and alive -
In life I actually can love,
And indulge, and enjoy,
As the proper exercise of that part of me that lives,
And not as a magical attempt
To pervert the world of temporary life.


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